Kung Fu Petrol Station

First let me begin by apologizing for not writing in two weeks. I know, I know, I am terrible at keeping you posted. I cannot promise that it will not happen again, but I can promise that China is awesome and the work here is fantastic. But this story is less about the work and more about how you should not take the girlfriend of a Chinese man who owns a minivan

Two weeks ago, in city far far away (from the US), Finn and I was asked to partake in a commercial. Being a star in Chinese commercials is a common request for foreign English teachers because in Shiyan there just isn't a lot of diversity to pull actors from. The commercial was to be for a a petrol company called.... well, it was written in Chinese so I can't really elaborate on the name. What I can elaborate on, however, is the experience.

The petrol company politely went out of their way to pick up Finn and I to transport us to the location, a gas station, where we would borrow a car and drive up and ask for the station agent to fill up the car with gas. At the station we were surrounded by more people than there needed to be to make sure all was well. A lot of suit wearing 'higher ups' were around and it was pleasant to get to know everyone there. So, as time drew near to begin shooting the commercial Finn and I were directed to head towards the car which was placed over by the entrance of the station, next to the street. While we were walking and preparing our little acting hearts for film greatness we suddenly heard the ear piercing screech of the breaks of minivan coming to a drastic halt not 3 meters in front of us. The sudden stop was only magnified, however, by the couple who was walking in front of the minivan and jumped out of the way just in time to not get run over.

Thus introduces our three new characters: Jackie Van (the driver of the minivan), Jogger the Boyfriend, and Nancy the Neck (the girl).

Jogger and Nancy were each wearing matching sports uniforms, red if I remember, called couple outfits. These are outfits that couples wear in China that say 'boy' and 'girl' on the respective wearer (yes, sometimes it is ambiguous), so they were quite obvious to the eye as they walked in front of this van. However, the couple was not walking in a place where the should have needed to jump out of the way with such life saving agility. Rather, Jackie Van went out of his way from the road and was aiming to run over the couple.

After the grinding halt, Jackie Van emerged from his van and, with the door hanging open because he was too mad to see it closed, began what can only be described as the most intense kung-fu stare down to ever occur in real life (as opposed to the movies). It reminded me of the time in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly at the end where the camera just switches between the three actors eyes. Jackie Van and the Jogger the Boyfriend both had eyes like Angel Eyes and Blondie with squinted stares that could pierce the soul. Finn and I looked like Chuco, with eyes wide open and dumbfounded at what was happening. Suddenly, Jackie Van breaks his stare to begin the most random display of back water, redneck, un-choreographed kung-fu on Jogger the Boyfriend.

Jogger, taking the highroad, took a defensive posture and made no real effort to respond to Jackie Van's aggressive assault. Trying to get away, Jogger turned to get around the van and away from Jackie only to be greeted by a flying drop kick from Jackie Van. That's right readers, I said that I saw an actually flying drop kick used in real life...in China. Jogger went down and Nancy began yelling and trying to get between Jackie and Jogger. She partially succeeded and was able to get Jackie back into the van. Once Jackie was inside the van, Nancy moved towards Jogger to help him up and away from the scene.

HOWEVER!!!!!!! The sings of alleged closure was negated by the screeching of the van tires and the rally car maneuvering of Jackie Van, who whipped the van around in a donut fashion and hit Nancy and Jogger, knocking them both down. Everyone was shocked and stood still. After all, its not everyday someone sees a flying drop kick used in real life. And it certainly is not common to see someone get hit by a minivan. Jackie Van jumped back out and resumed his assault, but this time on Nancy, grabbing her by the neck and shouting in loud Chinese (as opposed to the normal speaking voice of the Chinese which is already louder than normal western conversational speaking). Nevertheless, it was the ultra volume of his voice that alerted us that this was not going to end soon. Jackie Van dropped the girl and then turned around to grab a rock the size of a woman's shoe box that was laying in a rubble pile near the entrance. After picking his weapon he whipped his head around and gave Jogger a look of intent. Everything went silent and then he began progressing towards Jogger.

At this point I had grown tired of Jackie's antics, and already angered by the fact that he was harassing the girl and none of the commercial people were doing anything I, stupidly, began advancing with intent of my own. What came over me I will never know. As the story goes, or is told to me from a second view point, I was holding an umbrella through it all and purposefully threw it down before I began advancing towards Jackie Van. What was I going to do to Jackie Van, who was holding a rock and who had already displayed the ability to successfully complete a flying drop kick, with no weapon of my own? The answer is that I don't know. I just started moving. I didn't come to China to get into brawls, but I also didn't come to China to watch people get pummeled by rocks. Well, when I began my advance so did the rest of the crowd of commercial hosts. I would like the think that they were equally distraught by the display of violence, but I sometimes wonder if they were just worried that their foreigner was about to pummeled himself.

Power in numbers prevailed as always and the fight was over. Nancy forced Jackie back into the van and, getting inside with him, was slapped and taken away in the van. Jogger the Boyfriend began chasing the van, but was seen later jogging back towards the direction of the gas station without Nancy. The trio was never seen again and Finn and I have not been able to forget this wild China experience.