Kung Fu Petrol Station

First let me begin by apologizing for not writing in two weeks. I know, I know, I am terrible at keeping you posted. I cannot promise that it will not happen again, but I can promise that China is awesome and the work here is fantastic. But this story is less about the work and more about how you should not take the girlfriend of a Chinese man who owns a minivan

Two weeks ago, in city far far away (from the US), Finn and I was asked to partake in a commercial. Being a star in Chinese commercials is a common request for foreign English teachers because in Shiyan there just isn't a lot of diversity to pull actors from. The commercial was to be for a a petrol company called.... well, it was written in Chinese so I can't really elaborate on the name. What I can elaborate on, however, is the experience.

The petrol company politely went out of their way to pick up Finn and I to transport us to the location, a gas station, where we would borrow a car and drive up and ask for the station agent to fill up the car with gas. At the station we were surrounded by more people than there needed to be to make sure all was well. A lot of suit wearing 'higher ups' were around and it was pleasant to get to know everyone there. So, as time drew near to begin shooting the commercial Finn and I were directed to head towards the car which was placed over by the entrance of the station, next to the street. While we were walking and preparing our little acting hearts for film greatness we suddenly heard the ear piercing screech of the breaks of minivan coming to a drastic halt not 3 meters in front of us. The sudden stop was only magnified, however, by the couple who was walking in front of the minivan and jumped out of the way just in time to not get run over.

Thus introduces our three new characters: Jackie Van (the driver of the minivan), Jogger the Boyfriend, and Nancy the Neck (the girl).

Jogger and Nancy were each wearing matching sports uniforms, red if I remember, called couple outfits. These are outfits that couples wear in China that say 'boy' and 'girl' on the respective wearer (yes, sometimes it is ambiguous), so they were quite obvious to the eye as they walked in front of this van. However, the couple was not walking in a place where the should have needed to jump out of the way with such life saving agility. Rather, Jackie Van went out of his way from the road and was aiming to run over the couple.

After the grinding halt, Jackie Van emerged from his van and, with the door hanging open because he was too mad to see it closed, began what can only be described as the most intense kung-fu stare down to ever occur in real life (as opposed to the movies). It reminded me of the time in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly at the end where the camera just switches between the three actors eyes. Jackie Van and the Jogger the Boyfriend both had eyes like Angel Eyes and Blondie with squinted stares that could pierce the soul. Finn and I looked like Chuco, with eyes wide open and dumbfounded at what was happening. Suddenly, Jackie Van breaks his stare to begin the most random display of back water, redneck, un-choreographed kung-fu on Jogger the Boyfriend.

Jogger, taking the highroad, took a defensive posture and made no real effort to respond to Jackie Van's aggressive assault. Trying to get away, Jogger turned to get around the van and away from Jackie only to be greeted by a flying drop kick from Jackie Van. That's right readers, I said that I saw an actually flying drop kick used in real life...in China. Jogger went down and Nancy began yelling and trying to get between Jackie and Jogger. She partially succeeded and was able to get Jackie back into the van. Once Jackie was inside the van, Nancy moved towards Jogger to help him up and away from the scene.

HOWEVER!!!!!!! The sings of alleged closure was negated by the screeching of the van tires and the rally car maneuvering of Jackie Van, who whipped the van around in a donut fashion and hit Nancy and Jogger, knocking them both down. Everyone was shocked and stood still. After all, its not everyday someone sees a flying drop kick used in real life. And it certainly is not common to see someone get hit by a minivan. Jackie Van jumped back out and resumed his assault, but this time on Nancy, grabbing her by the neck and shouting in loud Chinese (as opposed to the normal speaking voice of the Chinese which is already louder than normal western conversational speaking). Nevertheless, it was the ultra volume of his voice that alerted us that this was not going to end soon. Jackie Van dropped the girl and then turned around to grab a rock the size of a woman's shoe box that was laying in a rubble pile near the entrance. After picking his weapon he whipped his head around and gave Jogger a look of intent. Everything went silent and then he began progressing towards Jogger.

At this point I had grown tired of Jackie's antics, and already angered by the fact that he was harassing the girl and none of the commercial people were doing anything I, stupidly, began advancing with intent of my own. What came over me I will never know. As the story goes, or is told to me from a second view point, I was holding an umbrella through it all and purposefully threw it down before I began advancing towards Jackie Van. What was I going to do to Jackie Van, who was holding a rock and who had already displayed the ability to successfully complete a flying drop kick, with no weapon of my own? The answer is that I don't know. I just started moving. I didn't come to China to get into brawls, but I also didn't come to China to watch people get pummeled by rocks. Well, when I began my advance so did the rest of the crowd of commercial hosts. I would like the think that they were equally distraught by the display of violence, but I sometimes wonder if they were just worried that their foreigner was about to pummeled himself.

Power in numbers prevailed as always and the fight was over. Nancy forced Jackie back into the van and, getting inside with him, was slapped and taken away in the van. Jogger the Boyfriend began chasing the van, but was seen later jogging back towards the direction of the gas station without Nancy. The trio was never seen again and Finn and I have not been able to forget this wild China experience.

You might be in China...

... if the McDonald's arches are setting atop a green tiled pagoda.

...if four guys are trying to put an eight foot sofa through the door of a bus.

... if after you buy a cell phone in the China Mobile store you can't walk out through the same doorway because a little girl is peeing in the doorway.

Qingdao

The sleeper bus was unlike anything I have ever experienced and I thought we would die numerous times. The punch line to the trip was that there is no such thing as a sleeper bus because the amount of times the bus honks its horn at people he tries to pass, who then cut off the bus causing him to slam on the brakes and rock the bus forward with a screeching halt, is... well, I lost was I was trying to say but I love China. 13 hours later we arrived in Qingdao.

Qingdao meant no plans, and that was basically how I interpreted it the entire time I was there. Beijing was packed with so many big things and every effort to try to everything we could. Qingdao, however, was much more relaxed. The city of Qingdao is on the coast and was host to sailing sports of the 2008 Olympics. Also, the city itself was once a port to Germany and the architecture throughout the town resembles its Bavarian influence.

On the first day Jessica and I got separated from the group and spent our time on one of the beaches and walking through the street vendors. Eventually we met up with the rest of the group, to which we added another people. We found a place to eat and made our way to the Lennon Bar, a bar built in tribute to the Beatles. To those whoever find their way to Qingdao, this was the best find by far. The atmosphere was great and far enough out of the way that it is basically a secret. There was a live band playing a bunch of classic rock and roll covers, some of which were Beatles music. The Singer/bassist and guitarist were middle aged Philippino guys and the drummer was from China. It didn’t matter, though; it was the best live band I have ever heard. The evening ended with Jessica and me trying to find a dancing bar. China, in true form, made the effort an experience worth remembering. The first two clubs were not actually dance bars, which was actually confusing since the music was all techno and the rave lights were flooding the places with seizure inducing intensity. The third place looked promising at first. Aptly named Club Z, which caught our attention and made us think, ‘hmm, that must be a club,’ the place was an accident waiting to happen. Our approach should have told us everything. Despite the lights being on, there was no music coming from the place and doors were closed. So, not willing to let the night rest without a dance I opened the door to investigate to find that, in summation, Club Z was in fact a hen house – we left. Fourth and finally was ‘The Feeling Club.’ This club got its name from its literal meaning, we got our dance, got groped by more Chinese people than I ever could have imagined, and my phone was stolen from my back pocket. All in all, a successful night on the town in old Qingdao.

Day two in Qingdao was Jess, Finn and I relaxing by the Olympic village, meeting the Mickey Mouse English Speaking School of Hubei Province, eating at Pizza Hut, and drinking some Starbucks. Completely enthralled with the Lenin Bar, we finished the night with the whole group listening to the same band as the night before. The next day, and last full day, the whole crew made our way to some island just outside of Qingdao where we found an amazing beach. We spent the day there swimming in the Yellow Sea and sleeping in the sunlight. It was incredible and relaxing.

The trip ended with a 22 hour train ride home, a bag full of smelly clothes and gifts, and 11 tired foreign English teachers.

Beijing

Our trip to Beijing started out like any trip taken so far that is in China, with much haste to arrive and nothing to do for a long time; the old ‘hurry up and wait.’ The Friday that we left I had so much to do before I could actually get on the train that it was a miracle that I even went to Beijing. Teaching class aside, I had to go to the police station to pick up my residence permit, making a citizen (of sorts) in China, as well as my passport. Equally, I did not have my train ticket as it was bought and entrusted to my good friends. Finally, after as successful pickup of the ol’ passport, my last class was supposed to end at 4pm, and the train station that I would have to go to for the 5pm departure was clear across town, easily a 30-40 minute bus ride with no delays... but I live in China, ergo delays. Needless to say, I made it to the train station in about 15 minutes due to the great help of my Chinese friend Mr. Liao and the train left 30 minutes after it was scheduled and there was nothing to worry about all along.

The train ride was about 20 hours long so we had booked sleeper cars hoping to pass the time. In that we were successful. We arrived in Beijing at the exact time we expected and had no trouble finding our hostel. Beijing was full of adventure and excitement. People were everywhere, as you would expect from such a large city. Strangely, however, the traffic was very quiet and it almost seemed as though there was no traffic... unless you tried to cross the road.

Upon arrival and checking in we split into two groups, thus began the great Papa John’s Pizza Conspiracy of 2008. Three of us volunteered to go to the bus station in order to procure bus tickets to Qingdao later in the week. Let me stress that had we not been able to procure bus tickets to Qingdao we would have no guaranteed way of meeting our friends and equally no guaranteed way of making it back to our home. So Angelyn, Megan and I set off on our daunting adventure with the plan to get everyone’s bus tickets and to meet up later at Tiananmen for rendezvous and dinner. On our quest, in which we were lost, hungry, stranded, tired, hungry, taxied, shoved, chinesed, bussed, and, oh yes, very hungry, we eventually arrived at the station and were told to return the next day at 6am. The rumor was that no tickets were to be sold for this particular bus until that day. So, sticking to the plan like any other good traveling friend would do, the three of us embark to Tiananmen to rendezvous with the others to find that they are not in fact at Tiananmen, they are shopping at the Silk Market and want us, who have been ravaged by exhaustion in our kind hearted attempt to get our Qingdao tickets, to continue traveling to meet them at the Silk Market. Later, it was revealed to us three kind hearted, and weary, travelers that the other three had taken it upon themselves to eat some food and keep it a secret; and not just any food, but western food. AND, not just any Western food, Papa John’s Pizza... to which there was no sympathy from them. The shame on their names and family will live on eternally, but we, we forgave them knowing that anyone can fall into temptation, despite the full understanding that the three of us who went to the bus station (without food) would have overcome the temptation and waited for our hardworking friends had the roles been reversed.

However, the Silk Market was actually a blessing in disguise and I got a lot of gift shopping done. Thanks to the help of Jessica I was able to cover most of my gift shopping in one night, though it was quite expensive to do so. Silk Market, for those who don’t know, is an amazing place were Westerner’s, and others I am sure, go to buy clothing, jewelry, leisure items, ornaments, etc. that may or may not be real and are bargained for like a dad helping his son buy his first car.

The next morning, our first full day in Beijing, we woke and went to get those bus tickets to Qingdao and were successful. As it was early we headed over to the temple of heaven, a Buddhist temple with fantastic, though repetitive, architecture and beautiful gardens. Chinese people flood in the park for morning exercises and rituals and we American’s flood in to sit and watch. The experience was quite amazing to us since we have come to China in search of tearing down some of the walls that built this temple; not literally of course. Taking the chance, we foreigners found a secluded corner of the temple and gave had some fellowship of our own. Though our ideas of heaven were different than that of those who built the temple I couldn’t help but feel a sense of welcome in our worship. I could only think of two things, first, that the Kingdom of Heaven was near, and second was a though given by C. S. Lewis about how many different people worship many powers. I do not wish to elaborate in too many details, but the fine point he made at the end of his evaluation was that the name was not as important as the intent, and by intent I mean the separation between good and evil. In other words, to love one another and to know that for those who do good can only be doing good in the name of the father, of whom no evil can be done in his name. There is a lot of doctrinal complication, but it was a consoling thought compared to the other idea that all the prayers elicited in the Temple of Heaven were for nothing.

The rest of the day was spent trying to get to the Great Wall. Our goal was to camp on the wall overnight and, well, WE DID IT AND IT WAS AWESOME!!!!! Getting to the top was some tough work, but we all managed to make it and making it to the top engaged a sense of accomplishment in all of us (if you are thinking to yourself that a lot of people do this and it is nothing special, please remember that we were carrying camping gear and we did not, I repeat, DID NOT take the lift that EVERYONE else was taking. No, the six of us in our group were absolute legends in are ascent and I am pretty sure all of us were singing ‘Eye of the Tiger’ in our souls as we rested at the top.

Once rested we began our two hour hike to make it to the end of the wall and find a camping ground (to avoid the authorities as camping on the Great Wall is not the most legal of practices). We made it and it was great. The mountain was cold at night and the sleeping bags that Finn and I got before we came were easily the worst creations of man and I actually only got about an hour of sleep the entire night. The rest of the night I was shivering so hard that I chipped my teeth (not really, but I was pretty cold). I would keep going about how awesome the Great Wall was, but I have to drop the cliché, “you had to be there.” The next morning, after everyone who was able to sleep woke up (to the sound of Finn and me singing at four in the morning to keep ourselves warm) we got camp stowed away, goofed off for a while we ate breakfast, watched the sun rise through the Beijing fog/smog, and started heading back to where we would descend. I use descend as a strategic word, because the way we went down the Great Wall was sled. That’s right, they had a toboggan that took people from the top to bottom in about 4 minutes or less. Funny enough, the sled ride down cost more than to walk up the stairs to get to the wall, but it was work the money for the excitement and experience.

Once we made it back to the city of Beijing (as the Great Wall is outside of town a ways) we all unloaded at the hostel and took the greatest post-camping showers ever. Several of us used the rest of the day to go and visit the Summer Palace while two in our group slept a bit back at the hostel. The Summer Palace was great, but I think I was still on a high after the Great Wall and tired from lack of sleep so I wasn’t overly ecstatic about the Palace. Nevertheless, the gardens and buildings were beautiful and I don’t regret going.

After the Summer Palace we got back together and met with some friends who recently moved to Beijing. The rest of the group knew them couple we met better than I did (in fact I had never met them), but I was consoled to the idea that we were meeting at a Tex-Mex restaurant. I had a burrito, it was heaven. We spent the rest of the night wandering aimlessly around trying to find the Olympic Stadium. Never finding it, we returned to the hostel as very sleepy travelers and there are rumors that I intentionally poked a Chinese man in the belly as a greeting gesture. The rumors are true.

The day of the bus trip to Qingdao arrived the next morning, but the trip was not until early afternoon and made the morning accessible to leisure. John and Megan tried to find the Olympic stadium again, Finn and Angelyn went to a park near the Forbidden City, and Jessica and I went to Starbucks and spent the rest of the morning walking around Tiananmen Square. We tried to go to the place where they store Mao’s body, but it was closed for cleaning. We just assumed the forMAOldehyde was bad (insert dad dance here).